The Year is 2168
The Place: Winnipeg, North Dakota, USA
The Channel: 51,479 on your in-brain t.v. chip
Your on site personal newshost is: Zig Zaggner
Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the negotiating table, Iím the straight-shooting Zig Zaggner, telling it like it isÖdirect to your cranium.
Today, weíre talking hot dogs. Weiner Corp International has finally consented to re-opening negotiations with the Union of Processed Meat Employees after 12 hours of stalled talks, and credit for all this is being given to one Gus Simpson.
Gus, whatís your part in all this?
I, uh, like hot dogs, Zig.
And, well, thatís it. I really miss having my hot dogs.
So what did you do to get the parties back to the negotiating table?
I, uh, yelled and screamed and stomped my foot.
I see. And now youíre right in here as part of the negotiations too.
Thatís right, Zig. You see, as a member of the hot dog eating public, I am a STAKE HOLDER in this process. Those are MY hot dogs they are NOT producing. I am ENTITLED to those hot dogs. These people do not have the right to keep me from my processed meat!
Surely, not. We should also mention to the folks at home, and listening up there on the moon, that there is a long, illustrious history of consumers injecting themselves into the middle of labour negotiations. It dates back to the late, great Jim Boone, whose Ottawa-based NHL Fans Association first claimed the right to sit at a negotiating table.
I am proud to call myself a Booner, Zig.
Quite. With 25,000 members, Boone managed to get a seat at the negotiating table back in the year 2005 when the owners of a sport called Ice Hockey, had trouble with the athletes called Ice Hockey Players.
Can I interject here, Zig.
Uh, sure Gus.
If it wasnít for Boone and his organization, we might not have Ice Hockey today.
We donít have Ice Hockey today, Gus. Global warming has made that sport impossible.
Ya, but if we could have ice.
We canít Gus. Get a grip.
Look, I havenít had a hot dog since 7:18 this morning, so Iím a little edgy, okay? Itís not like the public has much choice in what they eat anymore. Without hot dogs, Iím having to eat, well, you donít want to know!
Our viewers want to know!
Well, Some Processed Alternative Meat.
Ugh! Ooopsy, it looks like we have some activity here. The parties are being ushered back into the negotiating room and, of course, youíll be right there with us. The President of Weiner Corp and the head of UPME are about to address the group together. Letís listen.
(Cough!) Ladies and gentlemen, I think I can speak on behalf of Weiner Corp and the Union of Processed Meat Employees when I say ďWhat were we thinking?Ē Here I was looking out for the interests of Weiner shareholders and completing overlooking the needs of Weiner eaters.
And I was looking out for the needs of the UPME membership and missing the big picture too. The Weiner eaters.
Together we beg the forgiveness of Gus Simpson and every other Processed Meat Consumer. Weiner employees have agreed to take a massive pay cut and Weiner Corp has agreed to, um, revise our budgets accordingly so yíall can eat wieners again. And finally, our creative department has come up with a new slogan for Weiner Corp International. So hereís the head of that department, Sandy Beech.
Thank you, sir. The new slogan for Weiner Corp International is: Weiners arenít a luxury, theyíre a right. So get stuffed with your Rights!
Rick Hoogendoorn has been in the financial services industry in Victoria since 1991. He misses NHL hockey too, but doesnít think that means he has the right to be involved in negotiations.