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EVERYONE HAS A DOUBLE SOMEWHERE
The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly have an agreement as ironclad as any legal document in the world court. Simply put, the contract is as follows: I will eat broccoli when she eats liver. I'm on pretty good ground here because I...
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The Finer Points of Poverty

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I'm poor. And I'm not ashamed of it. Actually, I'm kind of proud of myself for being poor. It's an accomplishment that many people will never attain. Some people will go through their whole life and never know what it's like to experience some of the finer points of poverty like eating ramon noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 5 days a week. My heart goes out to these types of people. The Fourtunate Ones. People who've always
had electricity, nice cars, and proper clothing.

I wasn't always poor. I had to work hard at it. I had to quit several jobs without finding new ones. I had to spend 75% of my paycheck at the bar when I knew my bills would have easily taken 90%. I had to max out credit cards and never pay on them. I had to
give money to females that I knew would never pay it back. And most importantly I had to move to a small town where $6.00 and hour is considered 'good money'.

I didn't know that I was putting myself in line for poverty while I was doing all these things. I just woke up one day and realized that I couldn't pay my car note because I only had 11 cents in the bank. And that's when it hit me: I'm POOR! It took me 25 long
years but I finally nose-dived below the poverty line. I was now in the same category as the homeless and welfare recipients. No more was I hindered by riches. I had shed that
lifestyle. I got up and fixed myself a mayonaisse sandwich to celebrate. Delicious!

As a poor person I am entitled to certain privledges to which the well-to-do won't every be privy. I decide haved to list a few:

- Instead of lugging around a wallet full of heavy dollar bills I now pay for important purchases like gasoline and food with spare change that I scavenge up around the

house.

- I get to shop at stores with improperly spelled titles like Sav-A-Lot, Thrif-Ti-Mart, and DisKount King. These stores offer a wide variety of out-dated, slightly damaged merchandise that Wal-Mart shoppers can only dream of.

- I get to drool at resturant commercials on TV because I know I will never be able to afford meals like that again unless a rich relative dies

- I get to wear my friend's hand-me-down clothes and shoes. This means that I rarely match and my feet ache constantly from wearing shoes that are three sizes too small.

- I get to freely engage in the offical sports of the National Poor People's Association: begging and borrowing.

- I get to go to bed every night with the comforting thought that if I ever do meet Ms.Right I can't afford to date her.

I'll stop there because I see the envy rising to dangerous levels in a few reader's eyes. These readers probably have steady jobs and nice homes or apartments. Their bills are probably caught up. They probably have an immense wardrobe with properly sized
shoes. Their bank account probably never drops below $5,000. I apologize to these readers if my boasting about my impoverished condition has made them feel inferior and totally removed any self-esteem they may have had left. All I can say is that I never
meant to be poor. I was just in the right places at the right times. Maybe one day all of you will find yourselves on the Road to Rags as well. Until then you can check in with me if you want to know what it's like. I'll be the guy on the side of the interstate off-ramp with the 'Will Work For Food' sign. Pull your Mercedes right up and ask me anything. I promise I won't laugh.

About the Author

Timothy Ward invites you to subscribe to his weekly humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal' at timward.1afm.com

 

More Reading:


And How Do We Feel This Morning

The Inception of Modern Computers via the Back Passage

WWJV whom would Jesus vote for

Sahib and His Universal Relations

Why It Pays to Out More Humor in the Workplace

 
HOLIDAY IN HADES

WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE

IS GOD A DEMOCRAT OR A REPUBLICAN AND OTHER CULTURAL ANOMALIES

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY

BRING OUT YOUR INNER ROMEO JULIET


ĎAnd How Do We Feel This Morning?'
Without question, going to the hospital is teamwork from the time you arrive until you are wheeled out the front door. Everyone is working together for the common good of the patient, or at least a crack at his bank account. That is as it should be...
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The Inception of Modern Computers, via the Back Passage.
Some consideration must be made for the many memory inconsistencies of Thick Mick. He does his best! When I was no more than the size of a mediocre ostrich egg, I got my first computer. The year was 0001 A.D. Now, no more than myself, it wasnít...
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WWJV" ó whom would Jesus vote for?
My favorite novel, as a young person, was In His Steps, written by Charles Sheldon. The premise of this novel is simple. A group of people in the church made a spiritual pact that before doing or saying anything they would preface it by asking the...
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Sahib and His Universal Relations
1. Sahib is English (The Master) 2. Sahibís Godfather - German (The Anglo-Saxon Connection) 3. Sahibís Friend - American (As they often go out together to drop bombs) 4. Sahibís rival-cum-enemy - French (Whom Sahibís the most jealous with) 5....
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Why It Pays to Out More Humor in the Workplace
1. Humor reduces stress levels and stress is the number one problem confronting employees today. 2. Laughter boosts morale while stress erodes staff morale. It is in the best interest of any business to invest in the happiness of its employees....
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