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Quotes and Sayings - Colloquialisms Part 3
Not very nice but colloquialisms just the same. (just fill in the blank with a word of your choice) "you annoy me like a wet leaf stuck to my __" "they don't put foundations under s___ houses" "I'd rather board you than feed you, even if you sh__...
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Gay Zombie Hunter's Dilemma

Additional Reading

The title of this article may lead you to believe that I hunt gay zombies. This is untrue, mostly because zombies who were once gay humans are now too gross to still be considered ‘gay’. Their cards were revoked long ago. No no, I am a gay hunter of zombies, and I need your advice.

Now that the world has been overrun with flesh eating monsters its’ become more difficult to find fashionable merchandise. No longer are the days of Channel spring lines and Ikea super sales. Now we must scavenge the city, risking our lives in a quest for that perfect pair of shoes. Often I pretend like I’m living out Pretty Woman, except now when the clerks don’t let me shop I take action with a double shot gun.

I say ‘we’ because there are others that survived. Not many, but there are a few. Mostly goths in black netting with pale white faces; apparently they looked too dead already. I was very lucky myself. You see, that particular day was a ‘me’ day, where I locked my doors, turned off the phones and played Madonna, Cher, and Britney Spears on rotation for 18 hours. How fabulous! In any case I missed the worst of it, and when I awoke from my blissful stupor I realized that my peaceful shopping days were over.

Now lets get back to the real problem. I decided to go for a stroll through the city on a mission to obtain a set of dinnerware to match my couch and coaster set. I plan to use them if the world ever repopulates enough to justify social events (hopefully with the ‘right’ type of people this time around, if you know what I mean). Never can be too prepared. So I put on my Egyptian cotton shirt, pin stripe pants and pushed my way past the outdated Ugg boots in my closet to grab my running shoes (hey, I can’t be all glamour when battling the undead). Then I grabbed my pink ‘girl power’ chainsaw and went to town.

Current day, it has been fairly uneventful; easy jog past the horde of slow-moving decayed masses. That is until I am now met with the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make. From out of the crowds has come a familiar face. Who else could it be but the iconic American singer, film actress, director and producer extraordinaire? Yes, it is Barbara Streisand, and she is in the way. There are no 2 ways about it. If I want that crystal serving tray I am going to have to take my trusty pink chainsaw to her crooked zombie nose. Or should I accept defeat, and allow my role model to pass the curse on to me? Could be an honor really, but it could be the worst defeat of my life (and the end of it, for that matter).

What should I do? Please, I need your help because my logic is not sound at the moment. Visit me at http://www.nolifeonline.com , and hurry! I do not have much time.

About the Author

Karl Mueller is an author and founder at http://www.nolifeonline.com

 

More Reading:


The Australian Times

ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS

Patch a Scottish Collie

50 Ways to Say No To Sex and 50 Ways to Get Around Them

Preparation and execution of my income tax return

 
Funny Movie Quotes

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices

Im A Romance Novel Hero

WHATS IN A NAME Odd Places in America

A Moment of Magic


The Australian Times
The Australian Times at www.newsonline.com.au contains a series of articles. RSS is available at www.newsonline.com.au/myfeed.rss About the Author Journalist, editor, funny...
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ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS
Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS -- Or, can you tell me where I can find “Babar”, “Dumbo” or “Topsy”? -- According to Google, 826,000 websites are devoted to the topic of elephants. Just imagine what would life...
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Patch - a Scottish Collie
Scottish Pet Portraits Patch A Scottish Collie It seems as if I've always had dogs around; in my work as a pet portrait artist, under my feet or occupying my favourite chair at home. And also in memories stretching way back into the mists of...
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50 Ways to Say No To Sex and 50 Ways to Get Around Them
There's a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of...
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Preparation and execution of my income tax return
April 15th is the time of the year when Americans can communicate with their government. I cannot testify for anyone else, but I look forward to this marvelous opportunity and I am careful not to waste it. This year, for example, so much has...
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